One Day Off
by Demon Hunter Anamae
Summary: ~Complete~ The Elder God decides to leave for one day of vacation and leaves someone else in charge of running Nosgoth.


Deep in the Abyss, in the Netherworld of the land of Nosgoth where the lost souls reside, the ones trapped in purgatory dwell until they can once again be reborn, lay the Elder God. Wrapped around the destroyed Pillars, its many eyes swivelling to look at its surroundings, the Elder God flexed a tentacle. It was its ranting and raving day in the Abyss, where all its dead minions could hear its decrees and other words of importance.  
  
Elder God: I am the all-powerful Wheel of Fate, the Hub of Life that breaths existence into all of Nosgoth! I am the one who decrees who shall live and who shall die, those that shall be reborn and those who have completed their cycle and can pass onto the next realm. I am the voice that says 'Halt' and the one who grants Death its favours, for I am the Elder God! It is by my will that all of Nosgoth's life shall be born again. But now because of the vampires who have halted the souls, chaining them to a miserable life in a rotting shell, I cannot-  
  
Suddenly a small aide came bustling in, covered from head to toe in brown robes and carrying a long roll of parchment. Pulling back the hood that covered the aide's face, the Elder God's many eyes swivelled down to look at the interruption. It was one of the deity's many aides; this one's name was Tyvek. Tyvek's case of how he had come to live in the Underworld wasn't exactly a sad one, but by the same time it was not all that funny either. The youg boy had in truth started his life out as an ant, and then after being stomped by a horse's hoof, had decended into the Abyss. Reborn as a dog, Tyvek (who had been called Woofy by his owners) had been then in turn runned over by a passing milkcart. The Elder God had then once again brought Tyvek back to life as a hawk, thinking that since he had died twice on the ground, he stood a better chance in the air.  
  
Tyvek had not been born less than five minutes when he had been knocked out of his mother's nest by a gust of wind. Finally, pissed off that this soul was not completeing its duty, the Elder God had made Tyvek a human. Tyvek seemed to have been doing fine for a while, living to the wonderful age of fifteen human years before, after consuming too much ale, had picked a fight with a large and enraged bull. His soul stumbling back to the Elder God, the uber-powerful Wheel of Life had finally decided it had wasted enough time with resurrecting Tyvek and instead made the former ant/dog/hawk/human a scribe instead. So when the young boy, who wore the robes to cover up the gory holes where the bull had run him through, the Elder God knew something was up.  
  
Elder God: Yes, Tyvek?  
  
Tyvek: There is a problem, my lord. Umm, you know that Soul Reaver, Raphael-  
  
Elder God: Raziel.  
  
Tyvek: -he's eating all the souls in the Underworld. In fact, soul production is down by 20%. Romeo-  
  
Elder God: *slightly annoyed* Raziel.   
  
Tyvek: -better start killing more people above or go on a diet down here, Elder God, because we are losing souls. If Romanello-  
  
Elder God: *bellowing* RAZIEL!!! Get it right, you nimwit!  
  
Tyvek: If *pronouncing the word slowly* R-a-z-i-e-l keeps this up, then you won't have much of a kingdom to ruel. I compiled a list of souls that this Soul Reaver has eaten. They include: King William the Just, King Ottoman, Hash'ak'gik-  
  
Elder God: I thought I threw that demon out!  
  
Tyvek: Well obviously he was tossed back into circulation somehow, because he was just eaten last week. The other demons have made a complaint about it. And there is also the souls of Nupraptor, Mortanius, over five hundred and twenty four people eaten from a town called Meridian, and even-  
  
As the young aide prattled on and on, the Elder God began to get angry. It was its ranting and raving day, to go on and on about how big it was in the scheme of things and how it had even a cult following it, even if the cult followers was composed of only one person. Whipping out a tentacle that sent Tyvek careening into the far wall, the Elder God unwrapped itself from the Pillars and slithered off down one of the many tunnels in the Netherworld.  
  
Tyvek: *pulling himself out of the wall* My lord, where are you going?! There is still a bigger body count to be had! I need you to also sign an agreement that you would allow the squid sales to rise back up in Nosgoth again because it's killing the fishermen's business! *follows down the tunnel* And we also need the cracks along the swimming pool fixed, and the furnace has been clicking on and off, on and off. I have cold feet in the morning and hot feet when I go to sleep!  
  
Elder God: I am taking a vacation! *grabs a large suitcase made from Hylden leather* I am sick and tired of having to run the show. It's always 'Do this, do that!' Make sure this person gets reborn to do this and all of that! *shoves a large lamp into the suitcase* There are exactly five million other people and beings like you up there Tyvek, and I don't want to write their life stories anymore! I get none of the royalties from the books anyways! I'm tempted to let Kain make everything a miserable hell for everyone! *stuffs a squeaky toy into a sidepanel and an inflatable liferaft* I am going across the ocean to Deep Blue, where I can get away from it all for a whole day!  
  
The god of the Underworld nearly trampled Tyvek over in its haste to take the right exit that would lead to this Deep Blue.  
  
Tyvek: But when will you be back?! *gets panicky* And who is going to run the show while you're gone?!  
  
Elder God: YOU! *pins a badge saying 'CEO Of The Netherworld to Tyvek's robes* Now get! *thwacks Tyvek to the base of the ruined Pillars and swims off*  
  
Tyvek: Okay, it can't be that hard to manage the Web of Life. If my boss could do it, then that means I can as well. And now to manage the Web! *takes out a portable computer; Tyvek looks at the readers* Well how else do you think we down in the Underworld are capable of managing everything and knowing everything above ground?  
  
So the young aide, who was now temporary CEO, started working. Tyvek felt like playing All-Powerful God and so opened up a new folder and titled it 'New Life'. Then he began to write in a text document a short biography of someone's life. Finished with that, he named the person Mildred and then emailed the folder, text and all, down to the Slugahs in the 'Makings of a New Being' department. Feeling immensly satisfied with himself for having created a new person who would die at the age of 55 by being bitten by a poisoned toad, Tyvek put the Web on stand by for a moment and turned to a knitting basket.  
  
The knitting basket, filled with colourful yarns, were the lifes of people still living. Tyvek saw that the Elder God had been knitting a very nice tapestry; the red thread mixed in with blue was labeled 'Raziel's Lifeline'. Already feeling confident in his abilites to create lives, Tyvek then agreed with himself that it couldn't be too hard to move Raziel's life along. After all, it couldn't be difficult. Picking up the knitting needles, the aide began to hum a tune as he continued the work that the Elder God had left behind.  
  


~Meanwhile, up in The Sanctuary of the Clans......~  
  


Raziel: *thinking* I feel so low. I just killed my youngest brother and consumed his soul, and with that, his memories as well. I never knew Melchiah had so many birthday parties alone. I don't think I ever missed one but then again they are his memories. And why did he have so many dumb traps and puzzles? Was he one day expecting me to come popping up again from the Abyss to kill him and thought he could slow me down with puzzles? Did Melchiah think 'Raziel will kill me in the end, but just to piss him off I'm gonna place all these traps here and puzzles there for no reason whatsoever other than to piss my more handsome, charismatic, charming, sexier...  
  
The Soul Reaver stopped in his tracks, listening to the voice inside his head. Strange, it didn't sound masculine anymore. It sounded more...feminine.  
  
Raziel: What the _hell?!_  
  
Yes, Raziel did sound more like a girl! The scary thing was, ever since he took the plunge into the Abyss, he even lacked the parts that would have made him a guy. (So then people, why is his voice still masculine when the rest of him isn't?)  
  
Raziel: Oh, lay off it already! My voice sounds like I just sucked in helium-  
  
Which he couldn't do because first off Raziel lacked a lower jaw, secondly vocal cords, and third Nosgoth doesn't even have the periodic table. There is no scientific revolution where all the minerals and gases were discovered! Raziel, after realizing such weighty issues, decided that even if he did sound like a girl it would not stop him from attacking Kain. sure he might lose face and dignity, but he was out for blood. Rushing off down the corridors, Raziel gave a feminine shriek that Kain should watch out.  
  
Raziel: *screaming like a fan girl* Watch out Kain, cuz here I come!!!  
  


~Back in the Netherworld~  
  


Tyvek: And stitch left, one over the right, loop-de-loop and over my hand. There, now I finished that off for the rest of the day. The Elder God will be so pleased! *looks at his work*  
  
The pattern of Raziel's life was now nothing more than a jumble of zigzags, squiggily lines, knots and loose ends. But to Tyvek, it was a beautiful piece of work and most likely Raziel - whoever he was in the aide's mind, even if the name sounded slightly familiar - must be enjoying new happiness. Stretching his sore fingers, Tyvek chose another ball of yarn, this one purple and began to knit it.  
  


~At Ash Village~  
  


Dumah's spirit floated around his body, watching the dust settle over his chained form. He had tried to brush off the dust countless times, but manifesting in the physical realm was more difficult than the books Dumah had borrowed from the Underworld Library had led him to believe. The books were still piled over in one ghostly corner, having not been returned yet because Dumah had lost his library card. And he did not want to wait in line again where some ghost called Elzevier babbled on and on about dolls. That man was sick and twisted, playing with dolls that housed little girls' souls.  
  
The vampire lord reached back to scratch an itch on his neck when he realized something important. Something he had not noticed before and was sure did not happen naturally to people in the Underworld. Dumah looked down at where his hands had once been and found that he was sorely lacking. Yes, Dumah tried to rub his eyes to see if it was a dream, but because he did not have any hands to rub his eyes with this created a problem.  
  
Dumah: *panicking* What the hell?! Where are my beautiful talons? My three claws, how did they just vanish?! No, no, no, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Flying wildly around the room, sobbing like a little girl who found out she could not go to her best friend's birthday party after getting all dressed up, Dumah tried to punch and pound things that got in his way. But even then that did not work.  
  


~Back to the seat of the Netherworld~  
  


Ghostly voice that sounds faintly like Dumah's: WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Tyvek: *drops his knitting* Wow, that guy sounds depressed! *looks at the purple thread which has been made into mittens* My skills have improved even further. I'm sure that this person must also have something good happening to them because I have put my heart into making these mittens.  
  
The young aide dropped his knitting when he heard the oven buzzer ring. His apple pie was done! After beating off the younger Slugahs from Shipping and Management, Tyvek sat back down at the ruined Pillars and went back to browsing the Web. Seeing a flashing file marked **IMPORTANT** on the desktop screen, Tyvek could not help but look through it. The Elder God might be away for the day, but something that was flashing and marked as **IMPORTANT** could not wait. Tyvek was sure that if he dealt with this file and got it off of his superior's non-existent shoulders, then he might get a raise!  
  
Tyvek: *clicking the file* Hmm, Turel. Bio: Once a Sarafan Priest, resurrected as a vampire. Classified information....*reads the file over* Well that isn't a happy ending for this Turel guy. I know! I'll just rewrite it! No one deserves to have their older brother kill them!  
  


~Onto Dark Eden~  
  


Turel was standing at the top of his castle, feeling somewhat superior at the moment. He knew a lot of things that other people didn't know, that other people would pay a lot to hear. But Turel would tell them nothing of the sort because that wasn't his way. He also knew that Raziel would come and try to kill him, but Turel was confident that a dropped anvil or two could take his older sibling out. It wasn't like Raziel was invincible or anything. Suddenly the Clan Lord got a bad feeling in his stomach, like when somebody in another part of the world was talking or thinking about him. Only it was as if it was being written...  
  
Turel: What a silly notion. No one can write the lives of others!  
  
But the feeling persisted.  
  
Turel: Suddenly I have the strongest urge to take my whole Clan and me away from Nosgoth and go over to the other side of the ocean. Why should I have my ass kicked by Raziel? Sure people might want to see or hear from me, but I will not die just to appease a few people!  
  
And with that Turel went off to make plans to relocate to another continent.  
  


~In the Netherworld at the base of the Pillars~  
  


Tyvek: *wipes his brow* That rewrite wasn't easy, but I managed to make things a little better. What is the worse that could possibly happen from something so simple? Sure the file might have been labelled **IMPORTANT** but it's nothing that I couldn't handle.  
  


~At Deep Blue Resort~  
  


The Elder God was stretched out on the beach, enjoying the air and the breeze, plus the Bloody Caesar it was drinking. It should have gone away long before for an extended vacation. Just because it was a god didn't mean that it couldn't have one day off. Nothing could go wrong in a day. Perhaps a week, a month defiantly, but for one day everything seemed to be sailing along smoothly. And that was when the Elder God noticed a few things that should have never been to begin with.  
  
Like the shark flying upside down in the air.  
  
Or the rabbits that were surfing along in the waves.  
  
And the palm trees that gobbled up the resort tourists when they walked under them.  
  
Plus the sun, which was now a vivid green with a smiley face painted on it.  
  
Yes, something was up. It had changed the Wheel of Life, the very Web itself. And the Elder God had an idea which person was behind it as well.  
  
Elder God: *smashing the Bloody Caesar* Tyvek!  
  


~Back at the Netherworld~  
  


Tyvek: And this person Kain will have instead of six sons, two daughters and three transvestites, and a bull that believes itself to be a vampire. That should bring some humour into this Kain's life because from reading the transcripts, he obviously doesn't get out enough ot even have enough fun. And now onto this Janos Audron guy. Nah, I don't think it's right for someone to die by having their heart ripped out. I'll erase that *erases three whole pages from Janos's life* and say that he got his heart back and moved to a place called Meridian, where he fought against some bad aliens from another dimension and got locked away with them! That is much better than getting killed! *saves the new file*  
  
Elder God: TYVEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The young aide looked up from the computer to the clock on the opposite wall. The Elder God had already been gone half a day, but it must have really liked its work because Tyvek hadn't expected it back so soon. As the deity rushed into the main chambers, Tyvek grinning proudly and waiting to receive words of praise, did not expect to get thwacked into the far wall once again.  
  
Elder God: *shrieking* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!!!!  
  
The delicate balance that the Elder God had made was messed up. The computer that held all the files on all the people in Nosgoth was fizzling, smoke pouring out from the tower. And the back-up files were also making weird noises, like someone was crunching them with a heavy mallet. The Elder God looked at its knitting basket, gave another shriek as it saw Raziel's life tapestry all messed up, grabbed it and began to pull out the yarns.  
  


~At the Human Citadel~  
  


Raziel was walking along, the people worshipping him as they rightly should, when he suddenly clutched his chest where a heart should have been and made gasping noises.  
  
Raziel: *voice rising high and low* I need - macabre - jellyfish and - WOZIT! Vae - nanananananan....gratei!  
  
The Soul Reaver began to hit himself, jumping up and down like a demon possessed. One thing was good, the townspeople reflected. At least it had a more manly voice now.  
  


~In the Netherworld~  
  


Elder God: And because you have messed over all of Nosgoth, rewriting history as you deemed fit-  
  
Tyvek: I was making everything nicer, sir!  
  
Elder God: You are to mop all of the Netherworld and then after that, you can start by making the backup files. And you better not touch my computer ever again, Tyvek. *takes away the CEO from the aide* After that, you can count all the souls, then go back to the Shipping and Management to rework the supplies needed.  
  
Tyvek turned to leave, mop over his shoulder and bucket in his other hand, when he turned around and smiled at the Elder God.  
  
Tyvek: Well then I guess I should tell you that there was one guy I did a massive remake of.  
  
Elder God: What?  
  
Tyvek: He seemed to be really unpopular so I changed him around. He's now a woman and I think he is finally having more fun in his life than he ever did before.  
  
Elder God: And who is this?  
  
Tyvek: *musing* Someone called...Moebius I believe. Wait, what are you doing? I don't need to - _ARRRRHHHHH!!!_  
  
Elder God: GET! *thwacks Tyvek down the long halls* Useless aide that you are!!!!  
  
Coiling about the Pillars against, settling itself down with a mug of coffee, the Elder God began to reknit the lives of people and redo the files on the Web.


End file.
